Swami Beyondananda's State of the
Universe for 2004
http://www.wakeuplaughing.com/
by Steve Bhaerman
"Wake Up, America!" Wake Up Laughing, and Wake Up Loving
Greetings, and happy new year! And even though It's a brand new year,
you know what? It's still now. A later now, but still now. Last year
I predicted the book "The Power of Now" would be the next big thing --
and it was. And with more and more people learning to be in the now,
I will make an even more radical prediction: Living in the now will
be the wave of the future, until time itself becomes a thing of the
past.
How's the Universe? Just Fine, Thanks.
This is the State of the Universe Address, and knowing how busy most
of us have been, you probably haven't stopped to ask, "I wonder how
the Universe is doing." Well, since you didn't ask, I will tell you.
Just fine, thank you. Ever-changing, same as always. Purring in
perfection. The Universe continues expanding, and I don't care what
the economists are saying, an expanding Universe means more jobs for
everyone. Overall activity is up, and when the Universe puts on its
overalls, you know it's gonna be a busy year.
Meanwhile back on earth, the cosmos are drawing us forth. Even
George Bush. He recently announced plans to have a man on
Mars by 2025, and he has a head start. Thanks to the so-called
Patriot Act, he can have someone on Uranus by the end of the week.
As if we didn't have enough Mars energy these days. You never
hear them talking about putting a woman on Venus, do you?
Going to Mars. That is the George Bush answer to global warming
and environmental destruction. Well, we're just about done with
this planet. Time to mosey on to greener -- I mean redder --
pastures. The E.T.s are very concerned. Right after the Mars
probe landed, the headline in the Intergalactic Gazette was:
"There Goes the Neighborhood."
The Angels Have Landed ...and Not a Moment Too Soon
Fortunately, there has been an infusion of angelic energy on Earth
over the past year. Have you felt it? And those angels have upgraded
their entire system. Now it's every time a cell phone rings, an angel
gets his wings. The activity is everywhere. Even the Fox network is
coming out with an angel show this year. But you know Fox, they're a
little edgy. The new show is going to be called "Inappropriately
Touched By An Angel."
And we will need all of the angelic energy we can get, because I have
to tell you, the forces of endarkenment made great strides last year,
leaving their footprints on the backs of far too many. Sadly, 2003
was the year that the Irony Curtain descended over America -- the
invisible wall of impropaganda they put up to separate the people
from the truth. And when Michael Moore broke through the soundless
barrier at the Academy Awards Show, it was a moment of truth in a
year that was short on truthful moments. His courage to speak the
truth at a time when lie-ability appeared to be an asset makes him
the leading candidate for this year's NoBull Prize.
Body Politic Anemic Due to Irony Deficiency
Yes, the body politic has been inundated with so much toxic BS, our
skeptic system has overflowed and we've ended up swallowing toxic
ironies whole. This is called "irony deficiency." Seeing a doctor
won't help, but seeing a paradox will.
Like this one: The best way to preserve our liberties is to take them
away. And maybe if we call it the Patriot Act, no one will notice
that it is the most unpatriotic and unconstitutional legislation ever
passed. Looking on the positive side, though, it has made our lives
simpler. The Bill of Rights has now been boiled down to just one:
You have the right to remain silent.
If a Speech Freely Falls in the Forest, and There is No One There to
Hear it -- is it Still Free Speech?
True, this is a dangerous world, and while Mr. Cheney can hide
himself in some undisclosed location, Mr. Bush has to make an
appearance from time to time, and must be protected at all costs ...
from free speech. So to make sure that criticism of his policies
doesn't become massive enough to reach critical mass, protesters are
now cordoned behind barbed wire in what are called ... and I am not
making this up ... free speech zones. So Americans are still free to
speak freely -- as long as no one can hear them.
Now I bet many Americans haven't even heard of these free speech
zones, and that is not surprising. It was one of those stories that
went uncovered while the media was busy assaulting us with
weapons of mass distraction. Like what just happened at the
Super Bowl. CBS -- which apparently wants us to see only the
B.S. they want us to see -- refused to run a MoveOn ad critical
of George Bush. Meanwhile, their affiliate MTV (or, as it has
come to be known, Empty Vee) happily distracted us with the
Janet Jackson /Justin Timberlake fiasco. This is all too typical
of mass media nowadays -- an overwillingness to expose a little
boob, and an underwillingness to expose a big one.
You can bet the Super Bowl will be entirely different in 2005. Rev.
Jerry Falwell was very upset at what he called "trashy titillation
and toilet humor" and vowed to clean it up. He has proposed that
next year's half-time entertainment be provided by the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir, and the event be renamed the Tidy Bowl.
Strike While the Irony's Hot!
So the body politic must strengthen itself by doing free press
presses and pumping ironies. You know the old saying, "Strike
while the irony is hot!"
Like this one: The best way to make peace is by making war. I think
Dick Cheney said it best: "We will keep fighting our war for peace,
even if it takes forever!"
The War in Iraq is less than a year old, and it has cost us over $90
billion. That is $246,575,342 a day! Do the math. And if you find the
math difficult to fathom, how about the aftermath? Who will foot the
bill for this misadventure? I will tell you. That bill will be placed
squarely at our children's feet. Years and years of bleeding off our
precious livelihood to pay for weapons of deadlihood. No wonder
the hood is so deadly!
Now of course there are those in the administration who say you gotta
fight fire with fire, right? Well, I've been talking with some
firemen lately, and you know what? They say, "No, you fight fire with
WATER ... " We should be dampening support for those terrorists, and
instead we seem to be firing them up. So here we are, caught between
Iraq and a harder place, and unable to pull out because we wouldn't
want to lose face. Now I don't know whose face is being saved over
there, but for sure, *ss is being lost -- ours and theirs. War may or
may not be face-saving, but it is always *ss-losing. So we the people
must decide whether saving their face is worth losing our *ss.
And this thing about preemptive war being a new policy -- not true.
There's nothing new about it. It is old, very old. Listen, Mr. Bush,
I know you sometimes get words mixed up, but Jesus did NOT say,
"Doo doo unto others BEFORE they can doo doo unto you."
So if we need any more proof that the Irony Curtain has indeed
descended, consider this: We have a Patriot Act that is unpatriotic,
a President supported by the Christian Right perpetrating Unchristian
wrongs, and a plan for peace that fans the flames of war. Can you
say, "DUH?"
Wake Up, America! So I say it's time to "Wake up, America!" Wake up
to our serious foolishness. Wake up to the power of love that is our
real choice in this world. And wake up to the infinite possibilities
available to us when we stop doing what has never worked and try
something different. Wake up America .. wake up laughing, and
wake up loving!
Because I tell you what. Our choice is between love and fear. And I
have good news. Love is a more powerful force. How do I know?
Because otherwise we'd be singing ... All You Need is Fear -
Fear Is a Many-Splendored Thing, and - She Fears You, Yeah
Yeah Yeah.
And if we really want to save the world -- or at least spend it more
wisely -- we must begin right now living the love, and losing the
fear. Why now? Because it is too late to do it sooner!
Seriousness is Threatening Our Right to Laugh
The world is in such serious condition, the Earth's protective laugh
force has been compromised. That's right. Scientists have discovered
a hole in the Bozone Layer -- our planetary clown chakra -- because
not enough levity is rising.
The good news is, we have founded the Right to Laugh Party ... one
big party, everyone is invited .. to help us all wake up laughing,
and leave laughter in our wake. Why laughter? Well most Americans
agree there's definitely something funny going on, so why not use
comedy to laugh those clowns out of power -- which in and of itself
will raise the laugh-expectancy on the planet.
Because our right to laugh is being compromised by laugh-threatening
seriousness. Everywhere I go, I see people not laughing. People are
saying to me, "I don't understand it. I coulda sworn we voted for
West Wing. How'd we end up with the Sopranos?"
A Gold Collar Crime Wave
Forget white collar crime. We have to face the fact that we're
dealing with gold collar crime, and America is in denial. Consider
this. Bill Clinton, remember him? He took an out turn with an intern,
and his little peccadillo was blown all out of proportion. Meanwhile,
George Bush was snuggled in bed with that Lay from Enron who has
screwed millions -- and everyone seems to have forgotten.
Gold collar criminals are criminals who are big enough to actually
help write the laws, and they are adept at the ancient Chinese art of
using their energy or "ch'i" to take unfair advantage ... Ch'i Ting,
it is called. And it's not just the Banana Republicans who are
turning America into a banana republic. Parties in both parties are
partying on our dime, and it's time to give them all the message:
Their party is over.
The Trillion Dollar Question
Listen. A trillion dollars disappeared from the Defense Department
accounts last year. Poof, like that. Totally unaccounted for. Did you
see that on Unsolved Mysteries? Maybe it was on and I missed it.
The Trillion Dollar Question. Now, there's a reality TV show I would
watch. Another story covered up because the media failed to cover it.
If we want the body politic to recover, we must uncover the under-
covered stories that have been covered over. For indeed the best
antidote for private excess is public access.
If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, do you know what he'd be
saying? First thing he'd say is, "Boy ...do I feel OLD!" But then he
would say that we are sovereign citizens, not subjects, and the
government is our servant, not the other way around. And we are not
being served very well by our servants. They are serving themselves
first, their cronies second, and we the people are picking up the
tab. Thomas Jefferson, radical that he was, would be saying, "Forget
those airline passengers. Let's strip search the government!"
Time for a New Precedent
The good news is we don't need a revolution in this country. We've
already had one, thank you. What we need now is an American Evolution
where we the people evolve into the enlightened citizens our Founding
Fathers designed this government for. We must choose a new precedent,
because if we keep doing what we've done we will only get what we've
gotten. Choose a new precedent ... and a new President will follow.
So we at the Right to Laugh Party put forth this precedent:
Government of the people, by the people, for the people where the
government does OUR bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.
Now I know we have counted on the Democrats in the past to represent
the people's interests, but ever since they suffered that electile
dysfunction back in 2000, those Democrats can't seem to get an
election, can they? For the past ten years, the Republicans have been
playing hardball. Meanwhile, the Democrats have been playing hardly-
have-balls.
So that is why we must elect ourselves. It is only because of
citizens like yourselves that Dr. Dean was able to alert the American
public to the dangers of Mad Cowboy Disease (where the body politic
is put into a state of cattlepsy) ... and citizens like you who will
continue to awaken the body politic no matter who the candidates are.
Yes, we need to wake up laughing, and wake up loving, so we can once
and for all heal the body politic and cure electile dysfunction.
Blisskrieg Launched, All Out Peace Declared
Last year, we launched the Blisskrieg and declared all out peace. All
those who have been developing inner peace, time to let it all out.
And time to bring that force of consciousness into the political
realm. That is why it is my mission to turn devotees into votees, and
offer up another new precedent: Religions of the world helping people
practice the Golden Rule instead of saying, "We're going to heaven ..
and everyone else can go to hell."
Don't be afraid to laugh at the sacred cows, because as you know
behind every sacred cow, there is a little bull lurking. So let's
help religions enlighten up. Let's put the FUN back in
FUNdamentalism. Because you can teach an old dogma new tricks. You
can even teach your dogma to heal. In fact, I just heard some really
good news. Apparently, there is a new singing group comprised of a
Muslim, a Christian and a Jew, and it's called Three Dogma Night. Now
something like that is bound to bring joy to the world.
Speaking of music, even Elvis is joining the Blisskrieg. That's
right. I was recently traveling on a higher plane, and got to sit
next to the King, who was, as you know, a great spiritual teacher.
Hey, I was a Presleyterian for a while, and I followed the spiritual
teachings of Elvis: "Love me tender, please surrender, return to
sender." This time Elvis asked me to convey his very urgent message
for peace to the world, to move the blisskrieg forward so that more
and more people get struck by enlightening -- because it's now or
never. Here is Elvis's message:
It's now or never
Though things seem tight
Blisskrieg my darlings
Be kind tonight
Tomorrow may be too late
It's now or never
Our love won't wait.
Just when we thought we
We had nearly ascended
The White House was captured
Our karma, rear-ended
When terrorists frighten
Let our laughter enlighten
And poof goes the fear
It's time to cheer at last
It's now or never
Though things seem tight
Blisskrieg my darlings
Be kind tonight
Tomorrow may be too late
It's now or never
Our love won't wait.
Ever since Adam
Munched on Eve's little apple
We've felt so guilty
We cried in the chapel
They call us sinners
But in love we're all winners
Now love is here
The time for fear has passed
It's now or never
Though things seem tight
Blisskrieg my darlings
Be kind tonight
Tomorrow may be too late
It's now or never
Our love won't wait
Thank you very much, and hope to see y'all in Graceland ...
Get Even -- Get Odd!
So how do we bring that blisskrieg home? First of all, we must really
recognize the foolishness of getting even, and get odd instead. An
eye for an eye will only create blindness. Instead of doing what has
never worked, why not honor the odd possibility that by doing
something different, we can actually get different results? Because
the main reason for toxic human conditions is toxic human
conditioning. Generations of this toxicity has left a lot of
residoodoo.
Through the human jestive system, we can transmute this toxic
residoodoo into harmless laughter that will improve the atmosphere
and restore the Bozone Layer. Laughter will help the body politic de-
Tex -- oops, I mean detox -- and bring down the irony curtain as well.
Here's another oddball idea: Could it possibly be possible that
there's a better way to bring about peace than through war? I say the
best way to achieve loving ends is through loving means. Remember the
Power of Now? Because now is the only time that really exists, the
ends and the means are one and the same. So if the means are mean,
you already know how it will end.
Now I know what you are thinking (yes, people ask me all the time if
I am psychic, and I always answer, "I knew you were going to ask that
question!"). You're probably thinking, does this head-in-the-sky
Swami have any practical down-to-earth ideas for resolving the
conflict in the Middle East? Well, it happens I do. And we need only
look beyond our own higher states, north to our Canadian neighbors
for the answer. The Canadians don't shoot each other. They have very
low crime. They are the most peaceful, civilized people in the world,
except for one thing ... hockey.
So that is my simple plan for peace in the Middle East: Hockey!
Little Palestinian kids, little Israeli kids channeling thousands of
years of frustration into hockey. The Hamas team vs. the Mosad team.
They could charge admission and raise money for peace organizations.
You can bet there's gonna be some high-sticking and cross-checking,
but you know what? It beats the hell out of suicide bombing and
homicide retaliation, and it's a sure fire way to put the entire
conflict on ice.
Pray It Forward!
Now listen, even if we can't prove God exists, we know love
exists ... and even if religion doesn't work, prayer still does. So
pray it forward. Forget the idea that the messiah is going to come
down and save the world. Did Jesus say, "Now don't do a thing
till I return?" No! We have met the messiah, and he is US! Who
needs a bail out from above? This is supply-side spirituality.
Pray in any religion, pray in all of them. My guru, Harry Cohen
Baba, the Garment Center Saint, was Jewish, had a Hindu
ashram, and prayed to Buddha and Jesus. "Any one of these
could be right," he explained, "so why put all your begs in one
askit?" No one should be excluded, not even atheists. In fact,
it is for their benefit that I created my Ultimate Meditation Tape
-- which is, of course, blank. Because if we can't pray together,
we don't have a prayer.
And as we pray for peace, I see us taking one small but significant
step to actually get there. Are you ready to join me? OK, the first
step is all of the peace organizations have to stop squabbling and
make peace with one another. Think of how inspiring it will be to
everyone else! And to get the process started, let us all join
together in the peace mantra. Ready?
Ah, peace on it! Peace on it! Peace on it! Peace on it all!
Armageddon ... or Disarmageddon?
The choice is ours, every day and every minute ... love or fear. Will
we continue down the well worn path to armageddon ... or take the
road less traveled to disarmageddon instead? Are we going to buy into
original sin, or go for humanifest destiny where we actually realize
our human potential? Because no matter what I see on the 6 o'clock
news I believe we have the potential to be human, that mankind can
treat man kindly, and that we can bring about Nonjudgment Day
where all heaven will break loose!
But we must enlighten up! How many of you are willing to take a vow
of levity? All those willing to take a vow of levity ... please rise!
Repeat after me: "All for fun, and fun for all!" I now pronounce you
duly absurdified.
I have a dream. I have a dream of disarmageddon and nonjudgment
day, a day of civil discourse when the Elephant lies down with the
Donkey ... and doesn't roll over on top of him. I have a dream that
all sessions of the United Nations will someday begin with the Hokey
Pokey. Imagine, Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon. They put their whole
selves in, that is commitment. They pull their whole selves out, that
is detachment. They turn themselves around, and that is
transformation. And THAT'S what it's all about!
May you laugh, laugh, laugh till the sacred cows come home.
For truly the farce is with us.
Swami Beyondananda, Valentine's Day, 2004
© Copyright 2004 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.